Spiritual Doulas on the Journey

The spiritual journey sometimes feels like a pregnancy. There are so many changes taking place, some even noticeable on a daily basis. The main difference is that at the end of this journey, it won’t be a baby coming into the light but Self awakening to the Truth of what we are.

In fact, on the spiritual path, it is more like a series of mini awakenings along the way. Recently, the term spiritual doula came to mind and as I pondered it, I realized how beautiful it would be to have a spiritual doula and to be one to someone else.

In February 1999, after discovering I was pregnant, I set out to plan the perfect birth experience. [Cue hysterical laughter track.]

The internet wasn’t what it is today, but I still managed to do a fair amount of online research. In the end, I decided I would give birth in a hospital with newly built birthing suites. Instead of a doctor, I would have a midwife in attendance to “catch the baby.” And I would have a doula at my side, supporting us every step of the way.

I wrote a 3-page birth plan, which I presented to my midwife. What is that old expression—“man plans and God laughs.” To her credit, my midwife kept a straight face. After opening the document on my computer just now, I was unable to do the same.

My doula was a lovely woman who turned out to be the cousin of dear friends, so right from the start, she felt familiar to us. Our trust in her only grew as we discussed our wishes and hopes for the birth. This was an experienced woman, who had given birth to several of her own children in addition to assisting at the births of dozens of others.

In hindsight, I realize she knew my plans were idealistic. But she met me where I was in my overinflated optimism. Rather than popping it with a pin, she gently held on to the string of that balloon to keep it from floating off into the clouds as she presented various options and made note of my preferences for each scenario.

On a morning in early November, after three days of labor, I gave birth to my son. The birth experience was completely different than I had envisioned. We think we know. Ha! Until you walk in those shoes (uh, fuzzy slippers), you really have no idea what to expect.

It was exhausting and painful and felt like it would never end. Knowing what the “prize” would be at the end of it all did not make it any easier. And I suspect if it weren’t for the distraction of intense pain, I would have recognized the presence of immense fear once early labor progressed to active labor and transition. No amount of research can prepare you for that!

Through it all, my doula was there with us providing emotional and physical support, as well as acting as my advocate with medical personnel when my mouth was otherwise occupied with panting and moaning. She knew my wishes and held to them on my behalf.

Is the spiritual journey much different from pregnancy and delivery?

We set out as curious seekers, optimistic, filled with hope. The clouds sometimes blow in, obscuring our view of the destination. We may become disillusioned. The pain can be intense. Maybe we want to slow down, take a break, turn around, or give up completely. The fear can be so immense at times that we forget what we believe and what we desire.

Consider these notes I took, probably from my Bradley childbirth book, about the transition phase of active labor:

Lasts .5 to 1.5 hours. Very quick. Only 5-20 contractions long. Dilate from 7-10 cms.

Difficult stage, but when its over, it doesn’t hurt anymore.

Make conscious decision to get over the wall. The peak of difficulty in most labors because contractions are longer and closer together. Longest contractions give you the shortest rest.

More pressure and physical and emotional signs are intense.

Emotional Signs: Exhausted, frustrated, despair, fear. Tired, restless, irritable, totally consumed by your efforts to cope. Intensity is almost overwhelming. You will need much reassurance to get through. Become very focused on labor, nothing else matters. Worry that something is wrong. Frightened by intensity of labor and dependent on those around you. May feel transition will last forever, that you can’t take it anymore, but…

“When you can’t take anymore, there’s no more to take.”

Transition is short!!

If that doesn’t sound like a crisis on the spiritual path, I don’t know what does.

But what if we had someone with us who had already walked that part of the path? A companion on the journey…a spiritual doula.

Just as with a birth doula, our “contract” with a spiritual doula would be unique. We each have our own comfort levels and are at specific parts of the spiritual path. In general, we aim to meet people where they are.

When people are having a difficult time, we don’t want to bypass that with a bunch of spiritual mumbo jumbo that isn’t accessible to them in that moment. As beings cloaked in sensory meatsuits, we have our physical and emotional needs. Ignoring that can lead to increased fear.

On the other hand, we shouldn’t discard all spiritual truth in those difficult moments. We don’t crawl into our companion’s sleeping bag of misery and despair and spoon behind them, joining in with their wailing and gnashing of teeth.

There’s a happy medium here, but it really is specific to the individual. If we have cultivated companions on the journey, we can have these conversations. I have been fortunate to find my spiritual doulas. As we have walked together, we’ve listened carefully to one another. We understand each other’s comfort levels and the tools in the spiritual toolkit that work the best.

For some, the spiritual “smelling salt” that snaps us out of our fearful stupor or despair may be a particular line or lesson in a book. For others, it may be an anecdote from our spiritual doula’s own experience and a reminder of what we believe.

My spiritual doulas know that when I’m stressed, I process by thinking aloud. They let me spew. They don’t correct my errors. They forgive the illusion that holds me captive.

But once I quiet down, there’s usually a nugget of Truth that has been revealed. We encircle it together. They gently blow on that ember and fan the flames of sanity.

Per my request, they don’t let me fall too far into false or worldly thinking. The world “generously” encourages us to acknowledge and feel our pain, to put up boundaries when we've been wronged, etc. A Course in Miracles turns all of that upside down.

It is this path of radical love I choose to walk, though many times I turn it into an obstacle course. And when I do, my spiritual doulas know they can check the worldly advice at the door and come on through to the back room where we get back on track with Course truth.

There are times a “smack in the face” a la Cher in Moonstruck with a “snap out of it!” is preferable to me. I like to keep it real. But part of being a spiritual doula is remembering that other people may not feel the same way I do.

Whichever approach we prefer, knowing that what we are experiencing is perfectly “normal” and “to be expected” helps eliminate some of the fear. This is why it’s so important to join hands and walk this path together…to let others know it’s okay…because tomorrow we may need someone to remind us—to give us a wink and a whisper of Truth when worldly fears surface.

At the end of a pregnancy, the “prize” is a newborn baby. At the end of a particular stretch of the spiritual journey is newly borne insight.

I’d like to think all of these experiences and insights on the path result in pure peace at the end of life as we know it on this plane. By now, I know better than to assume that will be the case. The ego tries to get its claws into us until our last breath.

At the end of life, we may be in the company of loved ones who do not share our spiritual views and who are already grieving our imminent departure. We may be conflicted as well. Perhaps we are not afraid of death but are terrified of the sickness or pain that may lead to it. This is a particular moment when I think the love and companionship of my spiritual doulas would serve me well.

As we head into 2025, the role of spiritual doulas will be top of mind. We are here to be only truly helpful to one another. We needn’t make it more complicated than it is.

As I commented to a friend today, “Be still. Be guided” goes a long way in ensuring we show up appropriately for companions on our chosen spiritual path or for our brothers and sisters in the world at large.

With love and peace,

Margaret